I posted several times before about how I was searching for the word I would describe how I feel about alcohol. Freedom wasn’t the word for me and I finally realized it was the longing to become more self-reliant without alcohol in my life. That is, not using alcohol to enhance every single moment in my life. To rely on myself to create lasting memories and to feel good in my own skin.

On 2 separate occasions lately I have had the thought of having a glass of wine. And last night I had a dream about me drinking. The 2 occasions were just moments of “I could have a glass of wine with dinner, or with my friends”. But unlike before when I’d had these thoughts, I didn’t panic or go head on into a craving. I just had the thought, then asked myself why would I want to do that and then just as quickly the thought disappeared.

The dream I had last night was similar. I was offered a drink and I almost took it. I even remember thinking to myself that it would be no big deal. I knew I could have only one drink and then I’d be good. I knew I wouldn’t head down that road of drinking daily again. Because I finally realized I am at that point where I CAN choose to drink or not. It’s not that I CAN’T drink, it’s that I literally don’t want to drink anymore.

Again, when I woke up this morning with these thoughts, I started thinking about how I’m becoming more and more self-reliant. I am challenged, rather than frustrated, by the experiences I am having without alcohol in my life. In one of my classes I’m taking they’re talking about the power of firsts. Firsts of not drinking alcohol. The first Christmas, vacations, flights, weddings. All of which alcohol has been a huge part of. Instead of feeling dread for the upcoming holidays, for example, I’m looking forward to being alcohol free and being present for these beautiful moments in life. To not being hungover.

Being self-reliant has become such a blessing to me and fulfills my days with gratitude and joyfulness. I am relying on me, and only me, to help me make new memories and live my life to the fullest.