I woke up this morning thinking about Knasch and how I am, once again, having to deal with a disorder in my dog and having to research and try to find answers to help him. (He was recently diagnosed with anal fistulas). When we first got the diagnoses, I went through all the negative emotions and slunk into a pity-party. “Again?” “Why me, again?” “Why, of all the puppies in that litter, did I get the dog with the issue?” Well, I know why. It is my cross to bear.

My mom has always said I chose the hardest path. I can remember so many times her saying to me how sorry she felt for me after I’d made a poor decision resulting in me trying to crawl myself out of the hole I’d dug. “You always choose the hardest path, and I don’t know why”. I really never knew what she meant until recently.

When I think back to my life and the choices I’ve made and my failures and accomplishments, I always felt like my accomplishments weren’t my own and my failures were all my fault, i.e., my “cross to bear”. My accomplishments were always chalked up to “I had help”. But not my failures, I did those all on my own. I guess that mentality of “it’s my bed, I’ve got to lie in it” holds very true for me. But through this journey, I’m learning to give myself some breaks and to give myself credit where credit is due. Yes, my cross to bear, but it also can be during the good times in life.

I am a firm believer in fate and am completely convinced that all of my pets have come into my life for a reason. With Sabot, I know he chose me and my husband because he knew we had the means to help him. Even though he was only in our lives for 2 years, we were able to help him live a happy life during that time. When he passed, I believe he made room in our world for another pup to come along to fill the gap. I believe the same with Knasch.

But now my thoughts are it’s not only my cross to bear, it’s OUR cross to bear. I reached out to anyone I could get ahold of to try to get a better handle on understanding anal fistulas. I’ve joined an AF group for helping me get through this journey. It truly takes a village and the more I’m learning, the more I’m finding such huge benefits in leaning in. I can choose to bear this cross alone and choose that hard path, or I can choose to share the burden and ask for help. WE’VE all got this!!