I heard recently that the word courage comes from the root word cor. And that the word courage is the Latin word for ‘heart’. Courage originally meant: tell your story with your whole heart.

Courage has been my mantra or power word from the beginning of my journey. I think I’ve always had courage, though. My closest friends and family have always said I’m brave, stoic, “one tough cookie”. But along this journey, that word has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am telling my story with my whole heart.

When I recently shared something from my past during one of the laser calls with TNM, the coach asked me what I thought my hang up was to get past it. (Forgiving myself for choices in my past). My answer: fear. And to me, the opposite of courage is fear. And if I’m supposedly so courageous, what the heck am I afraid of, and why am I being so cowardice? When I really started delving into this, I realized my fear was stemming from not being able to understand the circumstances surrounding my decisions. That maybe if I really looked at it, really dug deep, those circumstances that were completely out of my control, the answers I might find would be so frightening I would not be able to move on. These circumstances that caused so much grief and sadness, that at the time, I used alcohol to numb them. And as a result, I continued to use alcohol all these years later to numb out any negative emotions that came up.

By talking about things from my past, by journaling and blogging my emotions and feelings, by writing love letters to my family and friends I am learning to face my fears. I’m writing with my whole heart, telling my story, allowing the courage I’ve always had to resurface.

I recently celebrated 8 months of being alcohol free and each day things seem to get easier and easier. I am no longer afraid of thinking about my past. I am learning to forgive myself for past decisions. Reminding myself that I did the best I could during those times and circumstances. I’m learning to come home to myself. I love my home and instead of drowning out the past in alcohol and avoiding my home, I’m finally coming home where I’m finding peace, security and kindness..and most importantly, COURAGE.