From the beginning of my journey and particularly since becoming involved in TNM I have been challenged to discover how I want to feel about alcohol in my life. What do I want my life to look like? Do I want to be able to moderate my drinking? Or do I want alcohol completely out of my life? TNM recommends choosing emotion-based goals vs behavior-based goals. So, by deciding how or what role alcohol has in my world, I am better able to achieve my goals.

Many of the people are saying they want freedom from alcohol. That they’ve felt imprisoned by alcohol. Visualizing taking off the handcuffs, walking through the jail doors out into freedom forever. For whatever reason that never resonated with me. Yes, alcohol was taking over my life. It was affecting my health, my looks, my relationships. But did I really feel like I was in prison and the only way to ‘escape’ is by cutting out alcohol altogether? No way.

Along the path I’ve been searching for that one ‘word’ that describes alcohol in my life. That one word that describes what alcohol means to me. I’ve discovered many things about alcohol in my life. I was using alcohol for pain management. I was using it to help with grief, sadness, sociability, fatigue. I truly believed alcohol was enhancing every aspect of my life. Going back to the question, “how do I want to feel about alcohol in my life?” I want to enhance my life without the use of alcohol. I want to be the one that enhances my life, that’s what I want.

So it hit me, finally. Reliance. I was reliant on alcohol for everything in my life. I relied on it to help my pain. I relied on it to help me sleep, to be more social, to help me relax. I relied on alcohol in the darkest times in my life: grief, sadness, disappointment.

When I looked up the definition of reliant, “having or showing dependence” or “confident; trustful”, I thought yup, for sure, having dependence on alcohol. But the second definition has a very positive tone, doesn’t it? I am (was) confident and trustful that alcohol could get me what I wanted and take me where I wanted to go. I looked up the opposite of reliant and only two words appeared: independent and FREEDOM!

I am becoming more and more self-reliant. I have the reigns. I am in charge. I have proven time and time again that I can do this thing called life without alcohol. It’s up to me to decide and I am choosing this life without reliance.