Approaching my 6 month AF mark in a week, I feel like I should be looking forward to it more than I am. Oddly enough, the video I’m watching right now from Annie Grace is titled “liberation vs fixation” so I’m hoping I’ll get something out of it!
Last March (2021), I started a keto and intermittent fasting diet recommended from a friend of mine. I wasn’t super overweight, but like my drinking, I thought I was getting too fat for ME. Also, around that time, my husband and I discovered Dave Ramsey and started making some serious changes in our finances and started working on paying off our debt. Both of these HUGE changes in my (our) life seemed to come very easy to me. I simply made up my mind to change my eating habits and follow Ramsey’s Baby Steps, and, wallah, I lost 20lbs and have kept it off. And we are now completely debt free except for the mortgage (which is what we’re working on now).
When I first started this journey to cut back or quit drinking, again, in the first month or so, I often thought to myself, “dang this isn’t that bad!!!” I learned during that time (or there about) about the “pink cloud”. I also learned that many people when they’ve been alcohol free for a period of time begin thinking “maybe my drinking wasn’t that bad”? I certainly had those thoughts but as distracting as they were, I easily redirected my thoughts to “no, I need to stay focused and stay on track of remaining AF”.
I keep going back to my intense craving last week. It still blows my mind how intense it was and how I felt like it came out of nowhere. Even though I got through it and I had the skill set to get through it without caving, I’m concerned that it will happen again and I won’t be able to refrain. I discussed this with one of the coaches on TNM and she shared a similar experience in which she actually planned ahead and visualized how she could handle any cravings that came up. She still began having a panic attack, but she was able to get a handle on it quickly and it passed. I suffered with this for an entire day!
I want to get to the point in my life where I don’t have to think about this every waking moment. I enjoy blogging and journaling and sharing my experience with the sober community I’m involved in, but I don’t want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I guess part of it is the realization of how bad my drinking really was. When I tell people I quit drinking, I find words coming out like “not that I was a raging alcoholic or anything, but I was drinking too much for me”. Why do I even say that? What an excuse. I was drinking too much. Period.
I’m plugging along. Riding the wave which feels a bit like a roller coaster at the moment. I’m sure all of these emotions are “normal” and I will stand tall and proud on the other side.
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