To moderate or not to moderate…

I honestly don’t know exactly when I came to the decision that moderating my alcohol intake was just not for me. For one, I started this whole thing with only wanting to try it for 45 days. At the beginning of this experiment the thought of giving up alcohol for good scared the crap out of me!! And if someone told me that I’d be considering this not even a month into it, I would have told them they were insane!!

For some reason, I find it very helpful for me to keep track of things on a calendar. Like when I started exercising, I wanted to know what date I started, so I can look back and see how many days I’ve been at it. It’s systematic and it helps me set small, achievable goals. For this experiment I did the same thing. I searched for an app (there are plenty out there) and found Sober Time. It’s free and it keeps a daily tally of days without alcohol. It gives you daily inspirational quotes and rewards (milestones) for each day, month, year.

Before writing this post, I had to go back through my journal to see when my decision to not moderate occurred. Just over a month of being AF, I made note of moderation and how I didn’t think it would work for me. The main theme throughout my journaling on this topic was, what’s the point? I knew now that the buzz you get from the first drink of alcohol only lasts about 20-30 minutes. Then you start crashing, so you drink more, and the cycle continues. You never get that initial buzz in the same sitting. So again, what’s the freaking point? Challenges were made in the sober communities I followed about what is your line in the sand? That is, if you decide to moderate your drinking, what won’t you allow yourself to do? Not to drink so much you have a hangover the next day? Only drink on “special” occasions? Only drink on the weekends? Whatever that is for you, the deal is you make it and stick with it no matter what. But, again, for me, I kept going back to “what’s the point”???

Then at about 45 days of being off alcohol (my initial goal, mind you), that’s when I started really thinking about my line in the sand. In one of my readings, I found that one of the mottos going around the sober community is #FUCKTHEZERO. The meaning behind this is that people were not wanting to have to start their number of days of being alcohol free at ZERO again. That was me!! I finally found it, my line in the sand!! This means to me, that even as trivial as it may sound, I cannot allow myself even ONE sip of alcohol or I would have to start my number at ZERO again. This Friday I am getting a tattoo on my right wrist, where I can easily see it “zero equals courage_______my line in the sand”, (I didn’t want the F word tattooed on me!!)

I also have to say here that I’ve read and heard a lot of people say they don’t even keep track of their numbers. They feel that gives too much credibility and control to alcohol. I get that. But for me it’s what’s kept me on the straight. “ZERO EQUALS COURAGE_______MY LINE IN THE SAND” ❤️

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