Diablo and Cindy

I know, an odd title. But I’ll explain.

So one of the things I learned is that it’s helpful to name your demons. It took me a few months to realize that I started drinking because of my pain. In 2020 I started seeing a massage therapist for my back pain and she really helped me discover how our entire body is connected. Meaning that an injury you sustained maybe in your lower body years prior, can be related to now having problems in your low back. For the first time in my life, I realized I was a “chronic pain sufferer”. I HATE that term. I did not want that term affiliated with me whatsoever. For several months following, I tried to come up with a different term. I considered getting a tattoo that somehow represented this, or even “honoring” my pain.

A few months into me being alcohol free, my husband and I took our RV to the lake for a 2 nighter. He went out ahead of me and I drove from work meeting him there. I had been experiencing a lot more back pain at the time and when I was driving there I kept thinking how much I’d love a drink. Plus, camping was always with alcohol! (This was our second trip camping and I didn’t drink on the first one). So, that night I didn’t sleep well, partly because of the pain, but also because of how much I wanted a drink. That’s when it finally dawned on me I started and continued to drink because of my pain. Of course, over time, I was drinking because of emotional reasons, too. So, that got me thinking of trying to name it. For some reason I associate my pain with a male. So I tried to think of “ugly” male names and that’s how I came up with Diablo (the devil). Then I thought, now I need to name my drinking. I have never liked the name Cindy, mostly because there was a Cindy in high school who hated my guts and tormented me all 4 years of HS (sorry in advance to any Cindys out there). And, similar to my pain, my drinking definitely had a female flare. So thus it became the voices of Diablo and Cindy talking in my head. They worked against me and would gang up on me. Diablo “you are not strong enough to deal with this pain”; Cindy “Diablo’s right, you need a drink”. When they would start going off in my head, I’d practice my self talk: “oh here they are again, blathering on and on; just ignore them, drink some herbal tea, do some stretching, go for a walk and they’ll shut up”. You know what I’ve found? I hardly hear them anymore!!!

2 responses to “Diablo and Cindy”

  1. Klaus Altemueller Avatar
    Klaus Altemueller

    This is very interesting honey

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing, Jen! Great post!!

    Liked by 1 person

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